Q:Happy late 29th birthday. I meant to send this on the third but I just didn't have the courage. Anyhow I hope you're doing fantastic and that life is treating you well other than with that group of "friends". Your post about feeling ostracized and rafting passive aggressively honestly upset me and I felt angry for you. You don't deserve it, and its so frustrating to not have things explained, no real reason why. But longer friendships have ended over dumber things.

Anonymous

Hi, Anonymous. Thank you for the late birthday wishes. I can happily say that I have found friends that make me feel like I belong. While I am still new to the group and not in all the inside jokes and memories, I feel that I can soon be part of that. Never feel like you lack the courage to contact me. When you are prepared to reveal your origin, I shall nod in acknowledgement and welcome you. Until next time. 

Belonging and yet not.

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, and I’ve decided that the best form to let things out and to be understood is to write it all down as effectively as possible. How effective I will be will be determined by how much rust I’m able to clear from my writing abilities. 

Without further ado (how typical). 

I’ve recently started to hang out with a group of people who are pretty enjoyable to be around. They’re into wrestling, fighting games, trading card games, and anything else I enjoy as well. Upon given the opportunity to mingle with these folks, I began to feel nervous. What if I was rejected from their social clique? How should I interact with them? Should I try to be myself or hold back for fear of rejection? 

I tend to over-think things, as you will see. 

Things began lovely, and I felt like I actually belong to something. I felt like I finally met people who actually wanted to hang out with me and I wanted to hang out in return. It was a lovely phase where every weekend was filled with plans, games, pizza and good times.

This is what is usually called the “cupcake” phase.

A few weeks pass, and I start to notice that I am being invited to things less and less. These very same people who I started hanging out with were doing so with the original members of their group. I’m a newbie, so as expected I was ostracized without given much though (which could be very far from the truth, but I tend to have a negative outlook on things as it is). 

The hang out sessions start to spread thin and I start spending more time at home. All this time on my lonesome gives me the opportunity to think, and that’s never a good thing.

If there is one thing I’ve lacked my entire life, it is confidence. It is due to this lack of confidence that makes me think negatively about myself and others (even though they’ve done nothing to deserve such scorn). All this time to think also gives me time to reflect on things and, given my lack of confidence, how I have been ejected from the group.

The lack of text message replies, the ignoring of Facebook messages, and any reciprocal of communication gone ignored just fuels my fire of contempt for those I wanted to (and still) call friends.

Now I know this all sounds insane, and it may be foolish for me to trust you, the audience, with my feelings. I’m going out on a limb here to express myself with the threat of even further separation. If it comes to that, fine. At the very least I was being honest with myself and you.

If I come off as passive aggressive, it’s because you’ve made me feel ignored. You may not have intended it, and my negative perspective has lead me to that conclusion. I apologize in advance.

My problem is (and this is going to sound desperate) is that I want to belong. I want to be the guy people call when they’ve made plans because they genuinely enjoy my company. I would like to feel that, if I’m missing from an event, people wonder where I am. Does that sound selfish? (Yes.)

Wanting to be accepted has always been a big deal, and when things don’t work out, it depresses and angers me. This turns into passive aggressive behavior and in turn can lead to even bigger consequences. I know this is wrong. I know I should be more positive and believe and trust people… But when you’ve had a life full of rejection and segregation, it’s hard to be positive. 

This is a way of me saying I’m sorry, and a way to explain my actions as of late. I’m trying my hardest to be positive and to trust people and to be myself. I just don’t want to leave a trail of broken bridges along the way. 

s0tc:

If you have an iPad or an iPod/iPhone (whatever) it’s highly suggested you get this game. I happened to run across it in the app store and saw it was free (and probably for a very limited time) so if you like Action RPGs then get this. It’s fun! And just a friendly reminder that these graphics are made with Unreal Engine 3 (the first iOS game made with an engine like that) and these are pretty much in-game graphics. Yep. That impressive.